| mmm |
[Oct. 26th, 2006|06:24 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  nostalgic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | pretty girl | ] |
theres a part of my life, it has come and gone before i had the chance to get used to it, before i got attached. There are people, choices, actions, and words. Some good, and some bad. I'm done with it all. Everything changes, people grow, some stay behind...everyone a little slower than the person next to them.
Comparisons were made, standards set, all said to be "for the best." Then you make one bad choice, one mistake, is all it takes, and BAM! everything begins to disappear, faster than it came.
Now you're left with nothing, noone. you feel sudden rushes of confusion and stress. you've been left behind and it's too late to catch up. You feel like a failure. But something inside you keeps you going. makes you wake up every morning to live your day to day life one step at a time.
then it feels like its all coming together finially, maybe it wasnt too late. maybe you acomplished the impossible. you decide that no matter how it all felt your dreams won't come to you. they're standing in the same place waiting, growing impatient by the day. waiting for you to get your shit together, but its not going to wait forever. if you dont do something now you're going to end up like them, the people who raised you. The people who never expected anything more of you than to live. the people who encouraged you to just get through high school and get a job then live your life. never saying anything about college. the people who never believed in themselves, let alone you.
you've had to do everything yourself since day one. nothing encouraged, nothing expected, nothing pushing you. getting the grade because its what you felt was right, and what you wanted. now all these years of hard work are beginning to ware. becoming less and less appealing. more and more hatred of them builds inside you. at this time in your life when they are the most important, you begin to lose interest, giving up seems so much easier, so much more appealing. the stress begins to reach levels of uncertainty, levels you thought were just exaggerated stories, but now you come to realize that they are real, oh so real, as it consumes you and you just want to crawl up in a ball and sleep it away. The pain gets worse than thought possible. The urge to give up comes too often, it becomes more and more appealing every class period, eery evening of tedious homework, every test and seems to double every grading period.
new things come along, as you give in to temptations. You begin to feel even more lost than ever before... you try and try to get back on track, but it seems everyone is a mile ahead of you. and you wish you could start over. you slowly see yourself begining to give up, give in, fail, lost in a forest of confusing terror, and alone.
You feel unable to pick yourself up again. bruised and battered feeling consumed, overrun and helpless. Everything around you is falling in a way you've never seen before. It seems like your life is a maze of dominoes, and with one wrong move, began the chain of falling. and you see it coming around the last bend.
you have a choice:
stop the dominoes and place them all upright again they way things were, maybe a few changes...
or just watch them fall slowly or quickly the time is not easy to determine.
either way they will end up in the box hidden from the world
this choice however, determines everything; happiness, strength, abilities and restrictions of your present and future.
avoiding the choice does nothing, but cause more pain and confusion; it does nothing but make it harder to pick up the pieces. wait too long and it will be made for you...
all you know is that you're alone for now. which is something you're used to. its been this way for as long as you can remember. now when its at its worst, and you need someone most, there is noone... just make the choice...just make the fucking choice...just make the fucking choice....MAKE IT NOW!
welcome to my life... a consistently falling city of dominoes. |
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